Kato Kaelin lands a national commercial; Monobloguer is confused

Today I auditioned for an Ask.com commercial. I had to be a girl who gets really excited about finding a whole bunch of Kato Kaelin fansites through Ask and then ecstatically sings, "I've got what I was looking for!" while the real Kato Kaelin emerges out of a sea of topless Kato Kaelin look-alikes.

Obviously, the question begging to be asked here is: who the fuck cares about Kato Kaelin? Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy for Kato that he got a job. But if Ask.com wants to compete with Google (which they presumably are trying to do), don't you think they could shell out a few more dollars to get an actual celebrity in one of their commercials? Who would ever search for a Kato Kaelin fansite? Or is this some kind of Kevin Federline thing where he tries to make fun of himself on national TV and ends up looking stupider than ever before?

I don't get it. If you have any idea what the hell Ask.com is thinking (or if you're a huge Kato Kaelin fan and want to threaten me), leave a comment below.

Oh, and just for fun, here's Kato's Myspace page. It says he's 101 years old, but he's really only 48! How clever.

On-set with Coca-Cola: What to do when you have nothing to do

I recently did a Coca-Cola commercial. It was a three-day night shoot, so I got picked up every day at 3:30 in the afternoon. On day two, I arrived on set at 5, eager as a beaver. I was in costume and makeup by 6. And then... I waited. Still pretty eager.

And waited... Eager enough.

And waited... Not so eager.

At 6:00 a.m., the beaver died. I was back in the van and on my way home. I had done nothing all night.

If you're serious about on-camera work, you'd better have a lot of patience -- or at least a lot to do besides hovering around the catering table and getting your fingers sticky. Here are five productive ways to spend your off-camera time:

1. Get to know people. Never underestimate the friendships (and contacts!) you can make while waiting. Other actors and off-duty crew are usually more than happy to chat. Don't be the anti-social cast member who sits in a corner and refuses to engage; you could be missing out on a lot. On this shoot alone, I made several new friends, was invited to three performances, found out about an upcoming casting, and got plenty of tips on the local film scene. And I had fun. That said, you should also...

2. Not be annoying. Okay -- this one's not really a thing to do. But some of the goings-on during the Coke shoot reminded me of this all-important rule: don't piss off the cast and crew by being all actor-y and obnoxious. If it's a night shoot and you're all holed up in a room where elderly people are trying to sleep sitting up in wooden chairs, don't run around playing tag with the cute teenage extras. No one will like you.

Also, don't babble incessantly about how many commercials you've done, what your salaries were, and how your last role involved your being chased through the woods by a pack of wolves with a huge slab of bacon in your pocket. Even if you happen to make it interesting, we're all tired and unlikely to give a shit for long.

3. Get some work done. If you have some lines you need to rehearse for the next scene, study them. If you're in school and have homework to do, do it. If you need to learn a monologue for an upcoming audition, learn it. You get the idea. Teach yourself to concentrate even when you're surrounded by chaos.

4. Sneak around the set. But don't be stupid. Don't go where you're really not supposed to be -- it'll usually be pretty obvious what the boundaries are, and you should do your best not to cross them. You can, however, learn a lot by observing professionals, including your fellow actors, at work. If they're shooting on digital and there's monitor playback you can watch, so much the better.

5. Meditate. I'm not kidding. Teaching yourself to meditate can help you rest and clear your brain so you can focus on the work when you finally do get called on set. But keep the chanting to a minimum (see tip #2).

Yoghurt and the value of commitment

Lately, my agent's been sending me to a ton of auditions that I have no business walking into (there's no way I could be a sexy young mom, even if I am technically of childbearing age -- I'm way too infantile-looking). So I was thrilled when I finally had an audition for a part I could actually be cast in.

This was for a UK and Ireland Danone yoghurt commercial, with a typically moronic premise: two girls are sitting across from each other in a boxing ring, with a table between them covered in donuts and onion rings and other fatty yummies. They're both on a diet, and are competing intensely to see who can resist the junk food the longest. One of them is eating only salad; the other one... yup, just Danone.

The audition consisted of a prolonged fierce look at the opponent while gripping the table, trying not to cave in and eat (the moral of this commercial's story is really pretty shameful).

The girl opposite me was a model, not an actress, so naturally she was terrible. When she wasn't laughing, she kept squinting her eyes at me like she was trying to read something written across my forehead.

Then I did the scene, and after the casting director said "Cut!" the model bimbo squealed, "Oh my god! You were so good! You scared the crap out of me."

Well, that's what I was there to do, right? Even in a casting for a completely improbable, ridiculous commercial (and there are plenty of them out there) you have to commit, and commit hard. Your audition will be worth nothing if you let yourself laugh or blush because you're afraid of looking stupid. You'll only end up looking more like an idiot, especially on film.

And seriously, don't be afraid of intense eye contact; it's one of the best tools an actor's got going. The bimbo blew it because she wasn't capable of looking straight at me and holding my gaze.

I'm intimidating, I know. But deal with it.