Jeremy Piven: The date from hell

I know I just wrote about miserable actors, but when I heard that Jeremy Piven recently made a public douchebag of himself at Nobu Aspen, I had no choice but to bring up the subject again.

The gist is that Piven rolled into Nobu with twelve other people on a very busy night. The staff managed to find a table for them even though the Piv's group was without reservations. At the end of the meal, instead of leaving what should have been a tip worth hundreds of dollars, Piven put down a copy of the first season of Entourage on DVD. On his way out, he told the manager, "Thanks for nothing." A furious waiter hurled the DVD at Piven as he left.

Oh, Piven. You sad, sad loser. And before my gentle readers start whining that the media distorts everything and the story probably isn't even true, let me tell you: Nobu or no Nobu, Jeremy Piven is a huge, mealy, nauseating douchebag.

I know this because I went on a date with him.

A few years ago, before J. Piv had landed the part of the asshole agent on Entourage (a role I happen to think he's great in), he was stuck doing bit parts in some seriously crappy movies, like Chasing Liberty and Scary Movie 3. We met at a bar one night and he asked me on a dinner date. Then, over the course of said dinner date, he:

1. Recited an epic monologue about himself. His failing career, every sort-of-decent movie he'd done in the past, his bitterness towards longtime friend John Cusack, and a punch he once tried to throw at Eddie Vedder in a Chicago bar were all explored in great detail and with no sense of irony (or sense of humor) whatsoever. Yawn.

2. Snapped at the waitress because there was something in his pasta sauce he wouldn't eat. The Piv is one of the pickiest eaters I've ever had to witness. Severe turn-off; men take note.

3. Stood up and called me a "huge fucking conceited bitch" in front of the whole restaurant. He'd been pressuring me over the course of the meal to come over, saying we could play ping-pong and watch an exclusive advance copy of Old School the production company had sent him (no joke; I guess he really has a thing for his own DVDs). I refused again and again, saying I wasn't comfortable with going to his place on the first date. He kept saying we would just hang out, that he wouldn't touch me... but of course I knew better, and anyway, I wasn't about to spend another minute with someone this obnoxious and self-absorbed.

When he realized I really wasn't going to come over -- that I'd rejected him -- he snapped, launching into a furious tirade about how stuck-up and ridiculous I was for even thinking he'd want to have sex with me and how I've got another thing coming if I think every guy that comes around wants to get in my pants. Um, wasn't he the one who'd asked me on a date?

So I told him he was a loser asshole with an inferiority complex. That's when he called me a "huge fucking conceited bitch" and stormed his way out of the restaurant, much to the amusement of the other customers, who'd overheard the end of our conversation. "Was that that actor guy? God, what an asshole." Indeed.

The reported Nobu incident doesn't shock me at all -- even now that he's achieved greater success. No matter what happens, a guy with this many issues will never be able to dig himself out of his pathetic self-loathing little hole of an existence. Fame just allows him to inflict his misery on more people more often.

Oh, and in case you were wondering: Jeremy Piven's really short. And really balding. And has a really small penis. And I don't say that because I've seen it. Sometimes, you just know.